TIMELINES and BRAIN INJURY
In his song “Beautiful Boy”, John Lennon famously sang that, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
Despite our best efforts, and in complete contradiction to what we rationally know to be true, we all create certain expectations about how our lives are going to play out. We have timelines in our heads, consciously or unconsciously, about our lives and there is a certain sequence that we expect. We will attend school for X number of years, then branch out on our own to find a job, start a family after a few years, then build a career or create a home life (or both), work hard, raise our family, and then, if we do everything right, after 30 years or so we will be able retire and enjoy the fruits of our lifelong labor.
We know that there will be ups and downs, but generally, things will progress in a fairly “normal” fashion. Days turn into weeks turn into months turn in to years turn into a life well lived and enjoyed. At least, that’s the way we’ve convinced ourselves it’s supposed to go.
Until you have a brain injury.
It goes without saying that working through the life-threatening physical challenges takes center stage in the early days of a brain injury. However, looming just behind the curtain is the soul shattering grief caused by a disrupted timeline. And as the days begin to stack up and the critical health concerns begin to resolve, the rage and grief and resentment about being blasted off of a life timeline begins to take hold.
“She had just started to make it on her own.”
“We were in the process of selling the business to start traveling the world.”
“I was headed to college at the end of the summer!”
“We had only been married six months! What happens now?”
We all understand there are no guarantees. We all appreciate that anything can happen at any minute that can be a complete game changer. We are given constant reminders that life is complex and requires a certain amount of give and take just to get through the day.
And yet we act as if…
We act as if making plans, and sticking to them will result in the goals we’ve set for ourselves. We live by the aphorism that “Failing to plan is planning to fail”. Our own actions will lead directly to the life we envision for our self. Tragedies like brain injuries happen to other people and disrupt other families. Equally undeserving to be sure, but other people, nonetheless. Losing the “certainty” of one’s timeline is disorienting and bewildering. It is expressed in as many different ways as there are people experiencing it. But the overarching anger, frustration, and grief surrounding the loss of a family’s timeline is one of most common issues we deal with at BIAMD.
“When will I start being able to think clearly again?”
“How long will he have to stay in that skilled nursing facility?”
“Why everything going so slowly?”
“He seems to be doing the same for the last several weeks? How long until he gets back to normal?”
At BIAMD, we try to provide encouraging words. We discuss the stages of grief, the loss of the person who was and gift of the person who remained, rediscovery and renewal, cherishing the victories whenever and however they come, the healing power of therapy, counseling, and time, and the need to discover and make peace with a “new normal.” But mostly, we just listen.
Nothing about brain injury is easy, certain, or guaranteed.
Then again, neither is living.
We may not be able to control the storm, but we can certainly reset our sails. The new normal requires acceptance of what is right now, today, this minute. Work to enjoy and be grateful for THIS time since there are no guarantees for any others. And with everything that goes along with brain injury, enjoying and feeling grateful takes a LOT of work.
Nonetheless, only by realizing that the trust and energy we put into our timeline was misplaced to begin with, will we be able to find a way out of the maze in which we feel trapped. Grieve its loss. Accept that there is no way to fully recapture our old timeline. Some survivors take comfort in seeking "renewal" rather than "recovery". Renew who you are instead of trying to recover who you were.
And a challenging as it may be, particularly when you are in the darkest part of the tunnel, always remember that you are not your timeline and that you don’t even need a timeline to make the most of the gifts you still possess.
In his song “Beautiful Boy”, John Lennon famously sang that, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
Despite our best efforts, and in complete contradiction to what we rationally know to be true, we all create certain expectations about how our lives are going to play out. We have timelines in our heads, consciously or unconsciously, about our lives and there is a certain sequence that we expect. We will attend school for X number of years, then branch out on our own to find a job, start a family after a few years, then build a career or create a home life (or both), work hard, raise our family, and then, if we do everything right, after 30 years or so we will be able retire and enjoy the fruits of our lifelong labor.
We know that there will be ups and downs, but generally, things will progress in a fairly “normal” fashion. Days turn into weeks turn into months turn in to years turn into a life well lived and enjoyed. At least, that’s the way we’ve convinced ourselves it’s supposed to go.
Until you have a brain injury.
It goes without saying that working through the life-threatening physical challenges takes center stage in the early days of a brain injury. However, looming just behind the curtain is the soul shattering grief caused by a disrupted timeline. And as the days begin to stack up and the critical health concerns begin to resolve, the rage and grief and resentment about being blasted off of a life timeline begins to take hold.
“She had just started to make it on her own.”
“We were in the process of selling the business to start traveling the world.”
“I was headed to college at the end of the summer!”
“We had only been married six months! What happens now?”
We all understand there are no guarantees. We all appreciate that anything can happen at any minute that can be a complete game changer. We are given constant reminders that life is complex and requires a certain amount of give and take just to get through the day.
And yet we act as if…
We act as if making plans, and sticking to them will result in the goals we’ve set for ourselves. We live by the aphorism that “Failing to plan is planning to fail”. Our own actions will lead directly to the life we envision for our self. Tragedies like brain injuries happen to other people and disrupt other families. Equally undeserving to be sure, but other people, nonetheless. Losing the “certainty” of one’s timeline is disorienting and bewildering. It is expressed in as many different ways as there are people experiencing it. But the overarching anger, frustration, and grief surrounding the loss of a family’s timeline is one of most common issues we deal with at BIAMD.
“When will I start being able to think clearly again?”
“How long will he have to stay in that skilled nursing facility?”
“Why everything going so slowly?”
“He seems to be doing the same for the last several weeks? How long until he gets back to normal?”
At BIAMD, we try to provide encouraging words. We discuss the stages of grief, the loss of the person who was and gift of the person who remained, rediscovery and renewal, cherishing the victories whenever and however they come, the healing power of therapy, counseling, and time, and the need to discover and make peace with a “new normal.” But mostly, we just listen.
Nothing about brain injury is easy, certain, or guaranteed.
Then again, neither is living.
We may not be able to control the storm, but we can certainly reset our sails. The new normal requires acceptance of what is right now, today, this minute. Work to enjoy and be grateful for THIS time since there are no guarantees for any others. And with everything that goes along with brain injury, enjoying and feeling grateful takes a LOT of work.
Nonetheless, only by realizing that the trust and energy we put into our timeline was misplaced to begin with, will we be able to find a way out of the maze in which we feel trapped. Grieve its loss. Accept that there is no way to fully recapture our old timeline. Some survivors take comfort in seeking "renewal" rather than "recovery". Renew who you are instead of trying to recover who you were.
And a challenging as it may be, particularly when you are in the darkest part of the tunnel, always remember that you are not your timeline and that you don’t even need a timeline to make the most of the gifts you still possess.
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